My Digital Safe of Secrets

Do you honestly think that I can change his mind with the way I dress?

No, really. There’s this shindig coming up and I was wondering if it was honestly worth the effort.

Could I really get him to look at my differently by wear some kind of knockout dress?

Thoughts?

It has almost been 4 years since we became friends. It has almost been 3 years, from the moment I realized I had a crush on you. It has almost been 2 years since I realized that that feeling was more than an admiration or a crush or puppy love (but of course I never thought of it as puppy love - hey, we were already 17 and in college when we knew each other).

You and I had our respective special someones back then. We broke up, you broke up, I had have someone (not so) new, you made up… We remained good friends. We talked like there’s no tomorrow… Or until the following day, rather. We helped each other in ways we were capable of - academically and emotionally. We entertained each other whenever we had the chance to - we went out on friendly dates just because we like(d) each others company so much. Tension was never there because we knew that no matter how much others would tease us, we were JUST good friends and we had a special friendship but that was that… A friendship, a special one, but not nothing “more” special than a friendship.

I had all the feelings inside, they have always been waiting to burst out but I felt the need to contain them.  Post-college days arrived and I thought it would be so much easier not seeing you often. So far, we are doing good in our respective fields. We are one step closer to being independent… And self-sustaining. I’m happy, I believe you’re happy. We talk, occasionally but our talks are usually long and substantial and I like it.

One day at work, I was talking with you through SMS and something, from somewhere, hit me really hard: Fuck this shit I still have feelings for you.

Time and time again, I tell myself that I’m over this whole thing. I always thought you gave me mixed signals but maybe, you were just too sweet and sometimes touchy (or not really touchy but you hug, you put your arms around your friend’s neck) and really supportive of a friend that you would dare meet and have lunch or dinner with me despite me telling you that that’s supposed to me a secret and all that shit. Well, I still wonder why you did but for now, I’ll stick with the thought of you being plain supportive.

Several months after, the feelings are still playing. Up, down, up, down. Intense, moderate, intense, moderate. WELL FUCK THAT. I risked it all and told you everything - I went all out on you… Through a letter, by giving you a very special book, and through SMS. I’m sorry I’ve never talked to you about it face-to-face, maybe I couldn’t because I just might break down…

…. For this is something so bullshit for you, maybe. Shallow, even. Like we are friends, really good friends at that, then from somewhere there, I fell in love with you. I fell in love with a very good friend. I never thought I could go all out in means that I can manage but I did.

At some point, I realized I couldn’t handle it anymore that I had to ask you up front if it’s possible to be me and you, you and me. You told me you liked me (wow)…. as a friend (I know). I knew, all along, I realized… But I needed that to come from you, exactly.

I thought shit ended there. But sadly, no. Maybe I’m rushing but whenever I try to regain the friendship we used to have, I fall - I become this persistent person that I am and try to have a good substantial conversation with you like we used to. And well, you welcome it every single time. We even had a talk over lunch just recently (say, about 4 weeks ago or less, fucking shit).

I hope you know that I am not meaning to piss you off by being persistent whatsoever. I know I can control it but right now, I just couldn’t.

I don’t know if it’s just the timing or the approach why you told me we can only be friends, that come future and the mood, set up, situation, and timing are more fit for whatever, you’d tell me otherwise. I don’t know why I’m still holding on. OR I’M NOT, I just can’t let go because I don’t know how, exactly. Do know that I’ve been trying to lose this feeling, these thoughts about you but every single time I do, the feeling and the thoughts just strengthen themselves.

My feelings strengthened the most when you had the least idea about it, when we were the closest and when we saw each other the most often. My feelings stabilized when we saw each other not so often but when we saw each other for lunch or dinner OR A SIMPLE TRIP HOME (yeah, like seeing each other just to go home together).

I have someone great because she loves me like no other. I’ve been trying to let go not primarily for her but for myself. For you, too, because now that our career is in its climb, you might not be needing someone too persistent.

Every single time there’s drama, there’s some shit up, you tell me, you assure me that you’re just there, you’re around for me. Well, I have always been, too.

You have no idea how big of an impact you have in my life. You’re so great, really. I appreciate everything you have been to me. I’m sorry for being such a threat, without trying, to the one(s) I loved and I love.

Love is crazy and so are the ones who love. 

Why should I tell him how I feel when I know he’s not interested?

None of this “You never know!” crap. A real reason.

Is there a real reason?

I want him to stop. Just stop.

I wish he didn’t feel like he had to protect himself all the time.

I wish he didn’t lash out at people.

I wish he felt safe.

I hope he feels safe with me.

I want to give him strength.

I want him to feel protective of me.

I wish he wasn’t so bitter.

I wish he could lighten his burden.

I wish he could relax.

I want him to feel safe with me.

Basically I just want him. Hell if I know how to even begin to come to terms with that.